I've only gone and written a bloody book . . . .

Yes, silly me. I suppose I've often thought about writing a novel - or a play/screenplay. I've started a few in the past, but apathy got the better of me - and all have been abandoned long before the page count reached a hundred. It's not that I ran out of ideas - i just ran out of enthusiasm. The old 'It's not what you know but who you know' played itself out time and time again as I grew greyer in the temple. I'd get so far into the hard graft and then a hobnailed boot would swing into view and imprint its message of what’s the bleeding point onto the side of my already aching head. You see, I've never really felt like an 'insider'; I have no nepotistic connections, no friends in high places nor fame in other fields. I stand naked and alone in a field of a billion other dreamers, all standing out like a blade of interesting grass, lost somewhere out among a prairie.

But, now I’ve gone and done it. I’ve only gone and written a bloody book. So what’s next? Roll over JK Rowling, your time is done? In fact, what am I saying! I’ve written a screenplay from which the book I’m talking about derives – as well as a series of 6 children's books – all of which lack a publisher. So I had to find out about what to do with books you’ve written when you don’t have a publisher. As a result, I've learned a fair bit about writing, publishing, book-marketing and the like - and my conclusion is that commercial book people are either inundated, or else just too lazy, to risk a few hours of time reading anything submitted by an unknown. Hence, we find that Frank Lampard (of the 'can barely string two words together' football world) is now a best-selling children's author. My 6 children's books don’t stand a cat in the hat’s chance of being published unless they are illustrated but, in general, publishers aren't interested in pre-illustrated manuscripts - and in order to attract a publisher, you need an agent. So, I began to look for an agent and, before long, I learned that agents aren't interested in representing writers unless they've been published - or, of course, have already achieved fame in some other, marketable way. As a result, we can probably all look forward to books on Crocheting with Peter Crouch, or Ozzie Osborne's Book of Big Trains.

So, my book (actually a book written by me but in conjunction with the ideas and input of Ian Thomson) is a self-published e-book of the Amazon Kindle kind. It’s a piece of historical fiction, based on fact, laced with comedy and titled THE DISILLUSION OF KING HENRY VIII and its synopsis goes like this:

In 1527, the 36-year-old, philandering, King Henry VIII of England, was feeling a little peeved. His 42-year-old Spanish wife of 18 years, the Queen, Catherine of Aragon, had done her best to issue forth a surviving male heir to the English throne. Sadly, her six pregnancies, during the first nine years of their marriage, had resulted in two stillborn daughters, a stillborn son, two sons who died in infancy, and a surviving girl child who became notorious as Bloody Mary, Queen Mary 1st of England. On top of that, Henry was conducting affairs with the Boleyn sisters, Mary and Anne. He was looking for a way out.

In September 1527, Henry and his Lord Chancellor, Cardinal Wolsey, dispatched Sir William Knight, the 52-year-old, weary, Archdeacon of Huntingdon, down through France, across the Alps, and onwards to Rome, in order to petition the then Pope, Clement VII, to grant Henry a divorce on a technicality of Biblical origin. This is the story of Sir William’s involvement in what became known as the King’s Great Matter, from June 1527 until he returned to London in February 1528, and concludes in the late summer of 1529, when the Papal Legatine Court was held in Blackfriars, London, to finally hear the evidence proper regarding Henry’s requested marriage annulment. This is a funny, fictional telling of an astonishing story from an incredible time, mixing in some facts, in so far as they are known (and often confused), with liberal helpings of fantasy and hilarity. On top of that, it's a love story, an adventure, a parody, and a musing upon what life just may have been like during these tempestuously torrid times.

It costs about the equivalent of a reasonable Gin and Tonic and lasts a whole lot longer.

If you’re interested, please follow this link to the relevant page at Amazon.

https://t.co/tYoebKiLt7

Please be advised that the book contains scenes of a sexual nature and language which could cause offence, therefore it is not recommended for readers under the age of 15 years

KJF 15/10/2018